To know God in me is easy, I just have to look to past poetry I have written. And I know that God is my inspiration. It makes me wonder at his depth and goodness.
One particular experience was when I prayed with my mentor for the revelation of his presence. I just wanted to see him, and in my narrow mind, I imagined him taking me by the hand and whispering mysteries to me. But you must understand that only we can limit God, God will always have new ways of contacting us, of revealing himself to us. God will always surpass our imaginations.
That day I went into some sort of trance, I saw myself on a bed, and there were things surrounding me, hovering over and reaching for me, and the one thing I was so sure of, was that the fear I felt was real and frightening. In my fear I covered myself with whatever blanket was on the bed, but the fear didn’t disappear. Sometimes, out of sight is not out of mind. Suddenly, there was a bright light that penetrated through the darkness. All the darkness vanished, and peace overtook me. That was not the end of my vision, but that experience had a profound effect on me.
Walking with God is not easy, but it is conscious because even such encounter will not permanently change us without our conscious effort. Many times, I find myself struggling in faith, struggling with my desires and ambition, with my understanding of him and what I see. I find myself far from him because I can’t reconcile what I see with what I believe or can’t find the way out of my struggle. And in the place of my frustration and loss, I find myself resisting him, struggling to rely on him, to believe in him.
So, I remind myself of this experience, of God who is my light in darkness, who is my peace in the place of fear. I remind myself of God who has called me to live in his peace.